my side of the story

Where did the happiness of 7 months ago went to? ):

something feels wrong. I kept on having butterflies in my stomach. This is just bad.

I can last the whole day with only one meal which is unhealthy. I work too much, not being home and spend time with the family. I sleep too late, making me have very bad eyebags. I spend too much, leaving me broke very fast and troubling other people. I daze a lot.

I'm really troublesome. I bother people. I'm such a burden. Fml. Sometimes, i feel how dee feels. Suicidal thoughta. When i told her that, she mention a few names but i don't feel a thing. Who am i to advice people when i am feeling the same way myself?

Sometimes i wonder how other people's life would be if I wasn't here, if i didn't existed or if I was just a memory. butterflies in my stomach again.

I do mistakes, i do the wrong things, i will try to learn from them. I blame people, i accuse them wrongly, i apologise. I neglect them, i left them alone, blame me. I'm sorry if I have been such a mess. You've been nothing but wonderful. I think its time i take my leave.

Sincere apologies,
Nur Ilyana Johari

Death is the most evil out of the other evils that I know of but people would always say that God loves them more than all of us do.

I didn't know who she was until I saw her name appearing on facebook and I was sad to know that she had passed away due to a failed relationship. She is one talented, pretty girl and its just sad to know that she committed suicide. I may not know the true reason why she left but its sad enough to know that she left.

I placed myself in the shoes of those people around her, who feels the lost of someone dear to them, who loves her. I know how they feel. I was in their shoes and I know 9 years down the road, her best girlfriend would still cry knowing she lost a dear friend who understands her, whom she created wonderful memories with. I know how that felt like.

Its has been 10 years already and I still have the feeling like something is missing and life has been incomplete eversince. Its been quite some time since I saw my late mum in my dreams. I do miss her, I really do. People planned on what to get for their mum for next weekend. What to get for them, where to bring them. Me? Oh, I don't know.

Come to think again, I really do miss her. She was a wonderful lady. No one could replace her, thats for sure. But another thing is..

I have an awesome dad too.

i find that time is moving really fast. Don't you think so? it's already the 1st of March and in exactly 4months and 20days, i'm going to be a year older. Sheesh!

The big 2-1. Dang 21years on the 21st. It kinda just hit me on how OLD i am and i haven't done much to be proud of.

Fuck this. I need to do something..

Plus, April's going to be a hell of a month. Birthday party, photoshoot, wedding ceremony. I have a feeling like there's something that i missed out..

Promises made, broken. Future plans, broken. Time spent to wait for someone to come to realisation, wasted. Reason, lame. Mindset, KIDDISH. Sympathy, why bother? care and concern, was never there.

Looking at things that is happening, confusing.

To summarise what I have just said, GROW UP LA SIA! -smacks forehead-

At this very moment in time, i feel like dancing. Or moshing. If not moshing then be in the centre of other people moshing around me. Or dancing. Don't question me why. I just feel like listening to really loud music. 65daysofstatic or Explosions In The Sky would be nice right now..

Work have been pathetic. 18hours? You must be kidding me. It's not even enough to last the whole month after paying the bills. I need a full-time job pronto!

Have I mention about the need to go far away from Singapore? Well, maybe not that far but atleast out of here. I need to travel. Its not something that I want anymore. Its something that I need to do. Im turning 21 this year (yes, i'm old) and I'm old old enough to be able to take care of myself. Let me be independant. And most of all, trust me in this..

Baby, I love you. And you're really awesome. And I miss you. And I don't even think that you'll read this in the first place. But oh wells..

I miss The Early November. The make nice music. March oh March, please come real soon..

Body's starting to feel warm, I am starting to feel cold. Fever? ): My throat hurts like crazy and drinking plenty of water isn't helping. Not even Strepsils. And baby just had to forget to bring the cough syrup. I'm just afraid that I will get the same sickness that Akak did. She got warded for it and which I hope I wont have to )':

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5 months and many more to come. Definitely(: I wouldn't even say one more month to half a year cause I don't want it to last for only a year. I love you very much baby. You're awesome(:

When you lay beside me and scrolled for 'I'll Catch You' on your Ipod and look at me with that smile on you, my heart starts to beat faster, I smiled to myself and love you even more (:

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Why do you have to go so soon? We were supposed to go on a date to Swensen's and you promised me that we would but now that wouldn't happen anymore cause you're going to fly off in 6hrs time )':

When you're coming back, I really don't know but I hope that it will be soon. You're still here and I miss you so much already! Why didn't you say hi when you saw me?! I could have gotten a real last hug from you. Atleast til we meet again when you get back )':

I had never regretted knowing you and I thank god for crossing our path. You have been a wonderful friend and the best China boyfriend that I will ever have. K wait. You will be my ONLY China boyfriend that I know I will have. Hahaha (:

It was nice knowing you Tony(: come back soon okay! Promise me we will keep in touch(: love you much!

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I curse national service for what is has done to me. Eversince my boyfriend went to serve the country, I have been a cry baby. Damn you ns! As for now, I need to grab hold of myself. Relax woman! K, puffy eyes..

how i wonder what you are..

haven't been updating. i dont know if people still wonder if i still exists or not. the next time you know, i'm on the obituary. haha! k no.

have been work work work all these while. nothing new except that i love my baby botak even more, who is getting thinner each time i see him every weekends despite him saying he just lost 1 kg only.

keyword: only

if every weekend i see him he lose 1 kg that means he's going to lose another 9 kg? k i dont want a tree trunk as a boyfriend. i still need to feel the cushion when i hug him. *he better read this!*

basically, nothing new la. thats all. and I miss my secondary school friends. and i was so kental/nerdy during secondary days to the extend where i cant believe that it was me who did those things/ wrote those stuff. I was always the huge oversized girl in the clique. the weirdly tall one.

why do people wish that they were taller? when i wished to be shorter. i wish to be smaller though. with smaller feet. and smaller bones. and yes shorter, maybe just by a bit.

k shit.

Got home then head to work. I swear I am killing myself.

Family dinner at Sakura was really nice. Had laughter and smiles around the table. I was happy to see everyone happy. Talked to the so-called fierce brother, joked with my dad, playing around with Falisha, sharing food with Akak, making the other brother take potato wedges for his daughter. It was all so nice(:

I believe that at the end of the day, it's your family who will, without a doubt, be there for you no matter whatever shit happens, no matter what wrong you have done. They are the ones who are worth living for. I love them very much, starting from my dad to the two kittens.

And did I mention that being sick is tiring?

Baby..